After normal conversation with tea she started opening up about what is troubling her so much for about two months by now. She also waited until her husband left the place to talk about the things that is bugging her to the max. She has been living with abusive husband for years and now with recent outburst of abusive and violent behavior of him she has come to the point it makes no sense to live with him like this anymore. His insecurities and suspicious nature of she having an affair with another man [ she says too old to have a relationship ], creating a scene that forced her to leave her job, and confronting the man in doubt on the street. The man in doubt is an old man, who she is in touch due to her believe in Sai religion and they interact in the temple when there is some event. Kamala Didi has that manner which makes people around her at ease and she is really warm and friendly. This very nature is what makes him so very suspicious of her. As if that is not enough recently he confiscated her mobile phone, cutting all the contact with others. The worst part of all this is he has not just been verbally abusing her that too, in front of her three grown up children but also violent in his behavior. Now, he is hitting not just her but also the one who is standing to protect her.
Sharmila** the daughter of Kamala Lama lives with them with her family has to be the victim of his violent behavior. It seems that Sharmila is the only one who is standing with her mother as he brainwashed so much the mind of two others who listen him more than their own mother, especially the son, middle child, who had been apple of her eyes which occasionally created a fierce sibling rivalry among siblings.
Listening them patiently made me feel, it seems Kamala didi - and Sharmila, the daughter of her - thought carefully about all the options in hand and then came to one decision. Time to take step and action. Thinking me as an insider she opened up the reason behind the violent behavior of him. Now when at the age when both of them are grandparents, his demand for physical needs is not being met is one of the reason he is behaving so violently. “If you have not been sleeping with others then you could be able to meet my needs” or “its your dharma to meet my needs” the ancient tantrum men throws at women. This reminded me Kamala didi telling me how she is suffering from over bleeding during her period that was making her weak for months. She talked about this over bleeding in winter times.
One of the reason Sharmila is standing like rock pillar with her mother is because she has seen how physically demanding her stepfather had been when it comes to his sexual needs. He did not care that they shared the same room with three children. During her preteen and teen years Sharmila had no option but to be the witness in the dark of her parents physical relationship. Sharmila added in the conversation, he demanded his physical needs be made even when she had period and she over bleed, and she suffered from acute pain during her period.
At the very young age of 11-12 Sharmila slowly began to understand the pain of her mother and reason behind it. Not being able to share it with anyone she was deeply disturbed. When she was about fourteen she was engaged with a young man who decided to go to abroad to make couple of bucks like thousands of other youngsters of this country. The young chap had been the one who had been the reason behind her calm mind and peace in her life at that time but when he went to Malaysia Sharmila’s mental disturbance picked. 2007 or 2008 she was admitted to mental hospital for more than a month, Kamala didi had not told anyone the reason behind her mental disturbance. Sharmila had told me about it only after six months or so when medicine cured her mental disturbance. This is one case I am the eye witness of how mental illness can be cured with proper medicine in due course of time.
I have seen both of them at that terrible time, how they coped that hard time with so little money in hand. Kamala didi used to earn her living washing clothes in many houses she could cover in a week and her husband is a painter. I have known them as a next door neighbour about a year before of that hard time and then after ten years of Sharmila’s marriage to the young chap who is now father of a young girl that makes Kamala didi a grandmother now.
Kamala Didi think about all what is happening now and what had happened in the past so she made her mind to leave him. But before she walk on him, like all the woman she wanted to ask some who know her well, what she should do now ?
This simple question reminded me of many marriage counselors I have seen in movies.
But more than that this question reminded me of the counselors in a book I have read That book is published by Rakschhya Nepal on its tenth anniversary. In the book one story of a woman caught my eyes. It was a story of a woman who entered into flesh trade at the request of her husband to make money and give him to spend. Over the time she wanted to leave him but the counselor of Rakchhya Nepal advised her not to leave her man. One question crossed my mind why does she need a man if she had to sell her body to make living for two ? If he cant bring financial security in life then why he is needed ?
When I shook my head I heard Kamala didi saying, I can't live with him like this anymore. This two month have been like hell. I have lost my job on top of that there is no peace of mind; nor respect in the eyes of my own children. So she asked me again, what do you think, should I leave him ?
This is a tricky question. Normally, you should not put yourself in between a married couple or their fight which some mistakenly compares it with hey fire. Some regards it private affairs you should not be caught in middle of it. But that is running away from the responsibility as well as trust put on you to answer the hard question. So, I asked her what you want to do ? She said, I better leave him than live like this. Then I responded then do so, but when you leave him do not leave him like a free bird. Make sure he pays for the college fees of your children and living cost of yours before you leave him. There are people who will help you to get justice in this case and there are law which will support you. Do not allow him to raise his voice and hand. Show him you can survive on your own without being treated like an animal who depends on him for food or shelter. If he does not behave properly and treat you with respect then situation is not going to be better for him in the long run.
Kamala didi had been very hard working person so she is not afraid to work hard to be free from abusive man. How she has her three grown children also to support each other.
*Names are changed due to privacy reason.
**Sharmila Lama today is a college student, which she resumed after marriage repeating 9th grade twice and passing SEE when her daughter was on her l.
**Sharmila Lama today is a college student, which she resumed after marriage repeating 9th grade twice and passing SEE when her daughter was on her l.
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