Couple of years ago hashtag me too campaign was started where women from all walks of life and corners of the world came forward to speak about the sexual harassment they have faced in the career they choose. When top Hollywood and Bollywood celebrities joined the campaign, it made the work of other sector women a lot easier than ever before. Some raised question why women are talking about the harassment that happened more than ten or twenty years before ? What they want to prove now ? are they trying to spoil the image of some big celebrity ? The one who raised these questions to me was a man and when he termed celebrity he meant only men, who harassed women especially when they were young and starting their career.
Is not this interesting, there are men who think celebrity mean only men ? In the Harvey Weinstein case Angelina Jolie, Ashley Judd and Gwyneth Paltrow joined hundreds of other movie star or wanna be stars who had been the victim of his harassment. It is said that over the period of thirty years he had sexually assaulted more than thousand women. For the first time a showbiz industry witnessed the fall of a man due to his exploiting nature. He could exploit many women in the industry because he was in a position to exploit them, studio Head.
There is a saying that goes in some area and it seems mostly in the showbiz industry, ‘everyone does this. Or you have to lose something to gain something. Some of the women who survived it tells you, it’s just few corrupt men who are exploiting you not all of them but the few of them spoils the image of rest of the men. Let's go back to that question, why it takes twenty years to come out and speak what happened then ?
Opening up to talk about the sexual assault is not an easy even for the most outspoken person. The incident freeze mentally to those who have gone through this episodes. It takes years to come forward and then sum up the courage to speak without fearing what others will say about the incident. Like in my case when one brother raped me another brother did not believe me. And this information was limited only three of us until you are reading it now. He did not believe me even if I was in shock state and could not feel easy to talk about it that is why I had written a letter telling him about the ugly incident. In my recent talk about it he said, you are not sure because of medicine. I told him in anger that just because I can't remember the whole episode doesn't mean that it was not a rape. It was rape even if you don't believe me. Honestly speaking, when I was a teenager I didn't know I was drugged. I could not figure out how could drinking frooti and curd make me so drowsy. But confusion lasted until I became keen learners on watching crime shows and criminal analyst understanding of sexual sadist.
When I was raped my brother was about 13 years older than me. After that incident for about 13 years I did not stay in touch with any of my brothers, five of them in total. Once I established my connection with my other brothers they were strictly told not to give my phone number to the one who raped me. Ironically, one of my brother whom I told about the rape does not even believe me. Being raped by one and other not believing me what I had gone through broke me from deep within. That broken part of me was frozen over the period of time.
As much as I want to forget it, I remember that night, even today. After my full day work, I was preparing our dinner that evening. One of my brother was living with me. At this point it is better if I tell you that I was not even SLC passed then but I was working and making my living at the age of seventeen. I had rented only one room but because I had already paid four months rent, I was using two rooms instead of one. Strangely, the landlords did not complain much about it for couple of months. I was using one as my bedroom and another room was kitchen, where one of my brother used to sleep. As I was on the half way of cooking dinner he walked in with a frooti in his hand and a small clay pot of curd. I still remember that one teaspoon of curd was removed from it, it looked like somebody else tasted it. Because I like yogurt so much, I ate some of it while I was cooking and drank few frooti. I felt sleepy before having my dinner. So, I went to my room locked it from inside leaving my key on the door. I do not remember eating meal that night.
When I half woke up after couple of hours, I remember somebody [definitely my brother] trying to open my door from outside. After hours of trying to open it, I still remember the cling sound of key hitting on the cement floor of my room. At that time I was so drowsy that I still was not in a condition to rise from my bed and go to lock my door to keep him outside.
At this point it's a must for me to share with you one fact, I never had any trust in his character even if he was my brother, yes not even when I was in my teen years. There was always a lust in his eyes. It was for all girls not just me. But because, it is my youngest brother who brought him to stay with me, without showing any decency to offer to help pick my food or rent bill during his stay with me. None of them offered to pay it.
I remember he giving me massage on my inner thigh mostly. perhaps my breast also but that part I cant remember. Today, I could not remember much talk he was trying to make sense of his action at that time. But one or two lines refuse to leave me even today. “If you submit yourself for my needs, I can bear all your cost all my life”. Another was he doubted I had physical relation with another man before him. He named a man who used to stay in a room when I shared our kitchen with a single christian woman living in Balaju and working in its Industrial area. What he thinks, I have to be his sex slave to be protected and provided ? or I should not object to have physical contact with him because there was already a man, of courses in his mind - I had slept with ? Sick people give sick reasoning.
Next day when I woke up the drowsiness was all gone. But I knew something bad had happened to me. I did not went to work that day but went to a shop that had landline phone to call my youngest brother and requested him to come to my place as soon as he could make. He did not came immediately when he was needed. When I waited for him, I locked me in my room and then wrote a letter to my youngest brother. I did not think it was necessary for me to cook a meal again to feed rats like him nor I had to let him stay with me any more.
I am not weak but I don’t confront people as much as I should. When Sukdev, my youngest brother came I handed him the letter I wrote. He was uneasy to deal with this case as he is a church member so he don’t confront his brother for something like sexual assault. He left almost immediately without saying anything, not even some words of consolation. That day, I was totally lost. I have lost words to explain such behavior on me and I have lost in my own deep thought but could not talk about it. I went to my work only for half day but after work I did not return to my rented apartment for almost a week.
It was that time when I had almost no where to go and stay, this problem stays with me even today. So, I went to stay in a didi’s apartment where I have stayed together for about six months before I have recently moved to current rented house. I had to stop sharing kitchen with her only because of inappropriate comment of my two brothers, who used to come and stay with me. She was a christian woman living alone but quite frequently her mother and daughter used to join her. When I went to stay with her, her mother was with them. I could sense it they did not like me staying there for more than two days. But they did not open their mouth to say it nor they said me to leave them immediately. On my part, I could not open up with them why I was so dazed, lost and needed to stay with them for some time. That drug and rape combined with my other brother not believing me have sent me into emotional locked up zone. A little less than a week later I returned back to my new rented rooms. The sexual predator was gone and I have not seen him again after that day.
In general men exploit girls/women, when he is the one; who is protector and provider. But in my case my brothers have never ever been my protector or provider. Its me who was working and picking up my food and rent bills and it's me who is picking up my tution fees. And yet he felt comfortable to exploit me while eating the food I bought and enjoying the shelter I provided. Men like him is mentally sick and that sort of behavior disgust me.
As I mentioned earlier, it took me more than twelve years to reconnect with my youngest brother [Sukdev] for his disbelieve in me as well as to gain confidence that I can keep the sexual predator away from my contact. By that time he was married and have became a father of two boys. After that I slowly started to talk with other brothers as well. Out of six siblings, I am the youngest one and only girl in the family.
Now, when I open up about it; it has two intentions in it. One is just because when one of your brother rapes and another brother do not believe in you, it does not mean you are not sexually assaulted. I have grown up now to know enough that his mistrust in me is not going to change the truth anyway. Just because I was drugged and can't give you full account of the incident doesn't mean I did not know who was touching me or talking to me that night. The house was in very quiet and secure place with no criminal activity in the past. No one could enter in my locked room, unless that one is insider. Another is, why the assaulter should let go free without facing any consequences for his serious flaw in moral character ? I doubt he feels guilty nor I could make him feel guilty of his sickening behavior then. Does this mean he is free to go out and then exploit another one ? What if all of them remained silent thinking nothing can be done in case like this and no one is going to help so keep quiet ! And if you are one of the victim of incest rape many family members do not help much hoping and fearing this is not we. pretending all our pride and prestige entirely hangs on this one issue.
I avoid confronting people and I take pride in saying I am not feisty and catty but this also does this mean I should let go a man who raped me and then never felt guilty, and never punished for his sickness. For that very reason I feel so dreadful with the idea that no one is there to make him feel guilty and punish him for what he did to me. What is needed to do to make him feel guilty and bad for what he did to me when I was teenager ? You now what even my pastor brother do not have any answer to this question not he confronts his brother. Oh yes its the religious and now pastor brother of mine who did not believe in me in my teen years.
#metoo
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