I am woman

By pure twist of fate, I find myself in the room full of seasoned writers, journalists, reporters and other intellectuals this Saturday's interaction program on Women Laureate and Criticism by them, that was organised jointly by Akshar Creations, a publication house and Readers Club, Nepal at the Nepal Tourism Board. Did I say writers ? Okay, let me correct it, there was a room full of women writers, and I am not; even a writer but a blogger.

I find myself in this new group, through a facebook group. First I found myself on the book launching event of “In search of self-Entity” back in February 2012 and again interaction program on ‘Women Laureate and Autobiography by them’ here in Nepal held by the same group on the last Saturday of July.

“In search of self-Entity” is a book published by akshar creations and it took Archana Thapa, the publisher, three years to compile the materials in a book from by all women writers.

What really gripped me in particular was, to have myself finding in these events that; not a single woman was nagging or complaining to any men for the reason, “we” lagging behind in our achievement in all aspects of life; yet was trying to find out the reasons; why we are not comfortable enough to come out from our comfort zone and write ?

One of the reason rose higher than others, being it our culture, where men are brought up in male dominated society or we are failing to understand that men are acting that way because they are trained that way. But to me its all the insecure mentality or inherent flaws that lies in men, they are using culture as a cover up and pure lame excuse only.

Do I [we] really have to blame men, if; I can’t achieve, what I want to achieve in my life ? or do I really need men to compete with me to know what is my true potential ? Are men the only  parameter for me to know my full potential ?

I don't think so.

Although, it was not intended on recent interaction event, one male participant raised the voice that, “women can write in the topic only when, she is nagging towards the male presence in her life, whether it be her husband, brother, father, son, uncle or you just name it.”

Of all the truth of our life is that for centuries, she has been used, abused, humiliated, insulted, ignored and what not; just to make her feel how insignificant she is an  unimportant her role is, in his life. Does she even has her own identity ? besides she being daughter, sister, wife,  daughter-in-law, and mother ? Does her thinking and opinion matters in her home a ? Can she even take the decision that matters in her life ?

When, women writers were trying to find answer of these questions, men jumped into the conclusion saying, that we are blaming them for the reason. This really surprised me, but I guess, I use the wrong words here; this should be read as ‘surmised me totally’.

How come male population in the room got offended; with the interaction, when female population were not even verbalizing it, forget about hinting at it, we are just  there to find answer to some perplexing questions, like the problem that lies in our society in our  culture. Could this be our culture ?

One reader asked in very offended tone,  “I have read this In Search of Self-entity, most of the time I felt fingers pointed at men, how come there is only one topic to cry for in women's writing and that one topic is invariably men ?”  Another man who was seated by my side was very vocal, it's only that he was using his kidney when thinking was needed to be done by brain. His behaviour made me frown, at the same time, it also amused me.

My personal opinion, for I not being interested to read books written in Nepali is; that it only speaks about tear, problem, struggle, frustration and poverty. What I am going to learn from reading this type of crap ? But Archana Thapa justified it in more convincing way, she is a freelance writer and publisher herself;  said it as a matter of factly : “ we collected this from different part of the country and from those staying in abroad also.  Women from all walks of life, ranging from fourteen years  to about sixty years. If you are reading only the tears that caused by men, then, maybe; this the time men look into the reality of the truth rather than feeling attacked.” She again conducted saying, “this is high time we look that matter differently than before”, it's kind of an eye opener for me, to dismiss  my own personal belief, “I hate tear jerking stories”.

But, more than that those offended tone, threatened reactions and intimidations; kind of gave me sense of pure joy and satisfaction. See we women had been ignoring all those reaction for centuries. I don't know why ?

You must have heard that saying, when we see snake your blood freeze but how many of you have heard that its snake also who is afraid of us. But, we are just too scared to notice it, that it is afraid  from me too. So, not surprisingly both come to an attach mood of defensive. However, I want you to remember this fact next time when you face snake, when  you are so afraid of snake, its eyesight it so very poor, it works on sound base not on its viewing capacity.

But, I see male counterparts are reacting in more defensive tone, pointing their fingers at us saying, “why are we blaming them for our miserable condition ?” Feeling threatened by our such interactions and feeling so insecure. But what have we said ? Have we even blamed them [in the interaction event] ?

I think this writeup will be so incomplete, if I don't mention here, this small psychological analysis of a bully. Every principal, counselor and coordinator around the world knows that, it's the bully; who is in trouble, not the victim. But, we do have tendencies to sympathise the victim, who gets bullied. The deeper study of the behaviour science have revealed the reality, that bully needs to be understood and then counselled to stop his bullying behaviour. It's the bully, that needs to be treated for the manifestation of the trouble, he /she is going  through in life; not the victim.

And every bully out there, knows this very well; that he/she could never enjoy bullying me. Not now, not then and not when I was in school. It's not just that I have a guts to see straight into the eyes of bully and they not being able to intimidate me. They are not the one to be afraid of, but needs to be understood fully.

I am a slow getter and a tube light, in so many ways. Suddenly, I felt that I get it now and therefore, I feel so good now, I don't even have to raise my voice to intimidate them. They always nag, saying, I am arrogant just because I am beautiful, although its not my primary or secondary thought. I am making them feel so insecure with my confidence to raise my voice. They felt unnecessarily threatened, because of my knowledge power.

And all the time, I have been reading it so wrong, they are trying to pull my leg; but hey ! its not true. Its only the tactics, to make me feel bad for all his weakness and false pride, which he loves to hide behind that tough looking guy, just like that bully; who is acting differently to hide his true problem.

Therefore, I would like to say to all of you boys and men, to take a deep pause to take a  look into yourself, then maybe you will understand it; is not I [woman] who is pointing finger at you; maybe you are reacting that way, for the flaw that lies within [you]. Because the greater the sense of guilt, the bigger is the reason to blame it on others.

I feel so good to say that, I am woman; bold and beautiful, sexy and confident. Oh ! yes most importantly; I am brainy too. Next time, when you want me to feel so insignificant and invisible in front of you, come up with better tactic. Because its my knowledge power which helps me to understand that, bullying is a psychological disorder which can be treated.